my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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