I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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