I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
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