I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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