nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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