I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
