Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize