I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
