U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize