i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Are we still banned from the library?
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Randomize