these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
