I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
