I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Randomize
