Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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