god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
