I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize