My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
