I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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