Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
