the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
