im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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