my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
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