I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
