Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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