So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
