If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Randomize
