Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
