Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
