just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
