just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
