Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
