I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
