so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
