i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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