You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Randomize
