Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
