She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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