and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
