I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
