Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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