Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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