Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Randomize
