bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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