Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
