I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
