i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
It's no shave November. This is our time.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
