I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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