like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
We're too hungover to prance.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
