I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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