May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
My breasts were aching with rage.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
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