I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize
