If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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