the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
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