The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
then he tried to convert me to islam
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
