i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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