May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
