Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
