Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
my shit smells like andre
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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