That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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