Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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