i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
