he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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