Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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