Well apparently he's into motor boating.
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
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