please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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