She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
