Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
