I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Randomize
